how dare you

How dare you drag me into your drama? How dare you to ask me and make me believe these things are real? Should sympathize? I empathize in your situation long enough! Words are Fucking trivial. It's sad to see that hope vanish in a thin air. This is as good as what it get. Pain, cold, rudeness and numb spells the both of us. There will never be Casey and Carla.




Wanna hear a bullshit thing? I still wish you'll knock in that door... Begging to turn this around. I'm so Fucking posses with that thought but the mere agreement of you coming over can't even be settle with a yes, how could that wild delusion would be? Careless delusion indeed; yet another self inflicted pain. A shackle that I have to free myself of... even if it means I have to cut myself - after all you still had a part of me.


P.s.
I just read your last entry. How dare you to cause me this tears!???!!!! I so hate you, you should be here, beside me, giving me embrace, kissing me, we can forget the past.... What's stopping you!????!!!!!!.I hate this walls that I build around myself. My heart screams as soon as I sebt you away. I wish you insist to stay. Be a masochist like the way I accept those punches and things that you throw when you're having tantrums. No one understand our crazy little world than us. Please, don't wait until it's too late. My grip are loosing... I'm still yours for the taking.

Disappointed

I'm so fed up with you constantly blowing me up. Like, all the time... Is it too much to ask? Do I have to beg? I don't want to be that girl. It hurts more than I show. Broken promises and these fucked up hopes only draw me away from you.







This is my last entry for the 40days journal. I have nothing left to say.

I just...

Since when does jumping in a cab just to be with you became an option? to insist? Chase you? Does maturity cost my impulsive self to run away with my character? I have every reason to make a way and so are you. What's holding us back? Responsibility. I understand, I do. It's just, I kept pushing it so that I won't blame myself... I'm still a hypocritical Bitch as you are... Well... You.

Please, dont let me go easily

Please, dont let me go easily - this what I plead. I change my mind so easily but it surely is nice to feel wanted. I will push you, but pull me harder then hug me tightly. I'll surely realize how bad my decisions are. Dont rub it in my face, rest assured that I know how to change. I can compromise, I can sacrifice. Be that person that I'll dread the thought of losing. I'll give you wonderful days, terrible days and days that's just like 'meh' but I'd be the person you'll think before and after those days and in between. Please, hold me tight. Assurance... Im addicted to it.

Do or die.

I'm a walking time bomb. It's been days since I felt this way. Have you ever been so quiet that you miss the sound of your own voice? I'm like this cuz I'm kept ignoring that something is wrong. I hate this unsettling feeling. Your words are good for nothing. Quit dancing around it: just be with me already! Be in that door, right where I always wanted you to be. No words. I am not accepting any excuses. I need you too! If you really wanted to be with me, you will. Set your own limit of staying, I want here... Right now! Not tomorrow.... NOW.


Tomorrow's entry will be about this glorious night or this will be the last. I've put all my cards down, I've got nothing to lose but all to give. Now, Your move!

Loving a writer...

She's a double threat: a writer and also a reader. Often times I'm dumbfounded with her literature reference and how much of a smartly pants that I am is definitely no match for this bookie. Sometimes I get those moments when I look at her that as of I loss her, truth us, she's got caught up with the lyrics of a song, an idea, a character or busy in her "own world" but I still patiently waits for her to come down in the reality and be so eager to listen about it. I love hearing her thoughts but it is with great responsibility to have the other side's opinion. Philosophical debates is a mundane thing. She's extreme with her emotions but you'd be happy to lend her a shoulder and hold her cuz she could make you feel that you're all that she needs. She can immortalized you by her writing, it's inevitable that you appear as a character or even tell the bits of your love story. In my simplest to grandiose gestures, I give her stardust that reminds her that there is really much important more than words. If you love a writer, share a cigarette and coffee with her, sift through her papers and never listen to her stories less than your college professor, be her inspiration! Gently ask her to out away her laptop for an hour or two to return to the living - after all that's where the best stories come from.

How long?

This is surprisingly a loaded question! I just realized it as Im typing the tittle.
How many days should I count just to be with you?
How long do I have to wait to in order to have you whole?
How long does it take for the trust to rebuilt.
How long will it take for these tired souls to heal?
How long do we need to doubt each other's actions or in absence, wonder.
How far do we need to go from here on order to realize that we're really meant for each other.

Questions that I kept brushing off my shoulders. Same questions that is too hard to ignore. Questions that echoes. Questions that chase our shadows.

Trust issues

Damn. Still with that huh? I hate it when you come up with fucked up instance to level with what is not fine with you. So irrational. I just hate it! What good does it make na gantihan ako? O ipamuka saken yung mali ko? I can apologize right there and then. And I surely know how to compromise. Instead of doing tgat, can we settle into terms and meet each other half way? I wanted to make this work so bad. Help me naman.

Weekend

I'm so used to spending weekend with you. There's nothing more perfect than a movie/show, beer and occasional binging out of foods that we love to share. What's the best of it all is the cuddle. Your warmth and presence and knowing that I can get to share that very moment with you. C.O.M.F.Y.

I miss how you hold me. Your thoughtful massages. Your stare. Our scent. The heat that we share. I miss everything abt you.

10th's the last

Bet you forget to write today the same as you forget that you had me worrying and flipping out of reasons and scenarios why you even not texting me. *sigh* I miss, so much. I want you to text me and update me all the time, that way the gap of doubt will tighten.... So I can learn how to trust you again. See, when I text you or call you, it's not because I'm bored - it's because it is you rang I wanted to talk to. I need you... But if these things brought pain and doubt than behind mystic and wonderful, damn... That just ain't right.

The road, you and me.

I miss travelling with you. The road and blaring sound in our ears. Just hoping in a bus, off to far away. Oh... The paranoia of impulse in our veins. So young, care free and adventurous. I feel like I'm in a mid life crisis now. I wish I can run. That beach, the sunrise and the sand in our toes - that's how we always imagine a perfect soul searching, remember? I love commute equally as walking. But it's better with you cuz Im comfortable to get lost in my thoughts but can easily be pulled back to reality by your single touch.. when you reach out for my hand or rest your head in my shoulders or just the mere fact that whenever u turn, your beside me.. and thats what matter the most, right, that were together. It still excite me: the idea of getting lost in a strange place with you.

Wild nights...

Babe, please under the new lifestyle that I have. I'm not gonna lie to you about my whereabouts but do understand that I go out now more often. Friday night is as impt. as hitting the gym for me on mid weeks. Trust me, I'd rather spend my day with you, watching season shows in our pajama pants. But these people, they are impt to me as well. I want to keep a balance of my work and outside life. Bottom line is, you don't have to worry abt me. I don't like seeing missed call. I don't wanna lie about where I am and who I am with. I certainly don't like the feeling of being chained. You can trust me babe. I may have these wild night but I'm yours.


Hey, I'm looking forward to the day that you'll meet them - they're awesome.

Are you really giving up

Really? This meant to me more than I Mae it seem. See, when you write, I know it's for me - sakin lang talaga. Forgive me if I'm being irrational abt your excuse but you're tomorrows post is not as good as today. If you can't commit to this, ... Sigh. You'll break my heart but I can't command you to do a thing that you don't like.

Our fight...

Always with the arguments. Conflicting sides and stubborn heads. Doesn't matter who has the last word - we're both losing here. You said I have the swifest exit, I say I need a room to breathe. This time I need to pick my battle, I don't want to hurt you with words I might carelessly throw you. I'd rather lose an argument than lose you. And it doesn't mean I back down it hurts any less, I always ended up wounded with your words too. But at the end of the day I wanted to be able to set my mind into peace that no matter how fucked up our fights might be, it will never tore you away from me. Lets learn together from each other's mistake, respect what we don't like about and embrace our indifference. I love you.

Words are trivial.

Don't just get me high. Give me something to hold on to. Give me reasons to stay not just these wonderful words that you say. Because if you these words fail me, it will definitely hurt me so bad, endlessly. Get your words and act straight. I know what's happening after you put your phone down - who'd you been looking to, cuddling to and saying the 3 words you just told me. I'm staying despite. I'll wait with no respite. I look forward for that day you can give me your all. A day that day thy I don't have to blind myself on the other and share this wonderful love together.

Is this all that I can be?

Am I as good as your second option? You once told me to never settle for anything less. Why are you making me feel this way? I'm more than hurt than I a can admit. "You're better off with me","I need you too!"; words that cannot easily be shrugged off. We both know that were meant for each other - cuz damn, we're so compatible! 2 exes and a common ex had pass, and yet who's there to console you with your grief? Stay with you on phone to help u ease with your bad dreams? Who inspired you to make sappy poems(the really good ones), steal forbidden thoughts while she's with you, plant the idea of paving the road with diamonds and WHO do you see to be at the end of that road to admire that glittering journey after we finally sort things out in our life, it's still me right?

Is this all that I can be?

Am I as good as your second option? You once told me to never settle for anything less. Why are you making me feel this way? I'm more than hurt than I a can admit. "You're better off with me","I need you too!"; words that cannot easily be shrugged off. We both know that were meant for each other - cuz damn, we're so compatible! 2 exes and a common ex had pass, and yet who's there to console you with your grief? Stay with you on phone to help u ease with your bad dreams? Who inspired you to make sappy poems(the really good ones), steal forbidden thoughts while she's with you, plant the idea of paving the road with diamonds and WHO do you see to be at the end of that road to admire that glittering journey after we finally sort things out in our life, it's still me right?

What I want from you

Dear you, if in time.. I'd chose to commit myself to you, I want you to:

-listen to me. I hate repeating myself. Listen attentively not any lesser than your college prof - I hate repeating myself.
-be patient with my shaky ass (no pun intended, url how to twerk). I could be so indecisive annoying kind of girl. Debating court is a usual thing in my head.
-hold me down. My mind could go from 0 to 1billion nth in a second, hence, the shaky thing. I panic on simplest thing, I could use a slap sometimes. Which brings me to..
-never lift a hand on me. I cannot control my response. No matter how angry u might be, never hit me. I promise to do the same.
-NEVER let me go. I will break up with you, most of the time, but if I ask you to take me back - do it. Do it until you're out of reasons.
-be patient with me. I don't easily put my walls down.
-love my family. understand my complicated relp with them because if in time that I turn to u, I want you to remind me about my unconditional love for them.
-be excited when I share you my hopes and dreams. Nothing makes me happy than to feel a warmth of support from you. Make me feel invincible.
-push me. Push me to be better. I will do the same for you. Don't tolerate any mediocrity. Be my number 1 fan and worst critic.
-assurance. I'm addicted to it. Never forget the smallest things you do to me, I'll always look for that.

See, I have the capability to love you and trust you indefinitely. Be right for me this time.

Come on lets fall in love

It ain't that hard, right? After all were still the same person, or had the same body that inhibited that one true love tgat we once found in each other. In this day and age, society defines relationship are complicated. Remember that night that we agree we will be in this together? I long to be with that person again: the one who will clear all my doubts and welcome me with open heart. Months passed and I can't still moved on. I need you back.

Till the next time

That stare you gave me. It's strange yet familiar. I got easily comfortable being around you though I've got my walls up high - boundaries. The question has never changed. But this time, I'm the one bearing it. And I crave for the assurance, I'm addicted to it. I'm still drunk with the thought that we will still be together; when our roads are glittering with diamonds. Do we need to work this through apart? I'm out of reasons, all I know is I want you back. All those rationale and logical reasoning that kept me grounded are thrown out of the window. Whenever you're near, I just want to hug you and never let go; Seize the moment and make every seconds count. I can hold on to the memories and relive every sequence in my head, but nothing excites me than to see you again. Till the next time..

Love shouldn't...

Love is not a confusion that drive u nuts. A lil mystery and wondering here and there is fine. Love is not a bewilderment game. Love shouldn't make u worry if your text message gets s response or wonder if that person will place that call just because you were told so past before she hurriedly cut the call. Love shouldn't make you feel afraid to look into ones eyes cuz you're scared to find out that after you opened every bits of u her reaction is "damn, this person is fvcked up". Love shouldnt make u uncomfortable with urelf that you hate how u try to be perfect but always end up messing ur act. What's the point of loving if you're a dummy anyway. Love shouldn't allow you to negotiate abt the terms cuz love is not an obligation, it's a commitment. Love shouldn't make you feel that you're getting so little yet you're giving you're over the top; It's a 2 way street, it should be equal, or almost, at least.
And even if despite of these and those somewhere in between reasons you still feel that it's all worth it, or that love makes you stay... Love shouldn't make you give up. (screw you heart!)

So many fish in the sea

Gee.. in this day and age, it's easy to find and get one. Each offers a different shades but surely none of them will and can make me feel jumpy and excited every time my phone rings. They can offer a different taste of thrill but none of them can make my heart beats faster and slower at the same time. They offer a promising adrenaline kicking excitement but they can never come close to the euphoria that you're giving me.

Blogeroid test

Hmm.