how dare you

How dare you drag me into your drama? How dare you to ask me and make me believe these things are real? Should sympathize? I empathize in your situation long enough! Words are Fucking trivial. It's sad to see that hope vanish in a thin air. This is as good as what it get. Pain, cold, rudeness and numb spells the both of us. There will never be Casey and Carla.




Wanna hear a bullshit thing? I still wish you'll knock in that door... Begging to turn this around. I'm so Fucking posses with that thought but the mere agreement of you coming over can't even be settle with a yes, how could that wild delusion would be? Careless delusion indeed; yet another self inflicted pain. A shackle that I have to free myself of... even if it means I have to cut myself - after all you still had a part of me.


P.s.
I just read your last entry. How dare you to cause me this tears!???!!!! I so hate you, you should be here, beside me, giving me embrace, kissing me, we can forget the past.... What's stopping you!????!!!!!!.I hate this walls that I build around myself. My heart screams as soon as I sebt you away. I wish you insist to stay. Be a masochist like the way I accept those punches and things that you throw when you're having tantrums. No one understand our crazy little world than us. Please, don't wait until it's too late. My grip are loosing... I'm still yours for the taking.

Disappointed

I'm so fed up with you constantly blowing me up. Like, all the time... Is it too much to ask? Do I have to beg? I don't want to be that girl. It hurts more than I show. Broken promises and these fucked up hopes only draw me away from you.







This is my last entry for the 40days journal. I have nothing left to say.

I just...

Since when does jumping in a cab just to be with you became an option? to insist? Chase you? Does maturity cost my impulsive self to run away with my character? I have every reason to make a way and so are you. What's holding us back? Responsibility. I understand, I do. It's just, I kept pushing it so that I won't blame myself... I'm still a hypocritical Bitch as you are... Well... You.

Please, dont let me go easily

Please, dont let me go easily - this what I plead. I change my mind so easily but it surely is nice to feel wanted. I will push you, but pull me harder then hug me tightly. I'll surely realize how bad my decisions are. Dont rub it in my face, rest assured that I know how to change. I can compromise, I can sacrifice. Be that person that I'll dread the thought of losing. I'll give you wonderful days, terrible days and days that's just like 'meh' but I'd be the person you'll think before and after those days and in between. Please, hold me tight. Assurance... Im addicted to it.

Do or die.

I'm a walking time bomb. It's been days since I felt this way. Have you ever been so quiet that you miss the sound of your own voice? I'm like this cuz I'm kept ignoring that something is wrong. I hate this unsettling feeling. Your words are good for nothing. Quit dancing around it: just be with me already! Be in that door, right where I always wanted you to be. No words. I am not accepting any excuses. I need you too! If you really wanted to be with me, you will. Set your own limit of staying, I want here... Right now! Not tomorrow.... NOW.


Tomorrow's entry will be about this glorious night or this will be the last. I've put all my cards down, I've got nothing to lose but all to give. Now, Your move!

Loving a writer...

She's a double threat: a writer and also a reader. Often times I'm dumbfounded with her literature reference and how much of a smartly pants that I am is definitely no match for this bookie. Sometimes I get those moments when I look at her that as of I loss her, truth us, she's got caught up with the lyrics of a song, an idea, a character or busy in her "own world" but I still patiently waits for her to come down in the reality and be so eager to listen about it. I love hearing her thoughts but it is with great responsibility to have the other side's opinion. Philosophical debates is a mundane thing. She's extreme with her emotions but you'd be happy to lend her a shoulder and hold her cuz she could make you feel that you're all that she needs. She can immortalized you by her writing, it's inevitable that you appear as a character or even tell the bits of your love story. In my simplest to grandiose gestures, I give her stardust that reminds her that there is really much important more than words. If you love a writer, share a cigarette and coffee with her, sift through her papers and never listen to her stories less than your college professor, be her inspiration! Gently ask her to out away her laptop for an hour or two to return to the living - after all that's where the best stories come from.

How long?

This is surprisingly a loaded question! I just realized it as Im typing the tittle.
How many days should I count just to be with you?
How long do I have to wait to in order to have you whole?
How long does it take for the trust to rebuilt.
How long will it take for these tired souls to heal?
How long do we need to doubt each other's actions or in absence, wonder.
How far do we need to go from here on order to realize that we're really meant for each other.

Questions that I kept brushing off my shoulders. Same questions that is too hard to ignore. Questions that echoes. Questions that chase our shadows.

Trust issues

Damn. Still with that huh? I hate it when you come up with fucked up instance to level with what is not fine with you. So irrational. I just hate it! What good does it make na gantihan ako? O ipamuka saken yung mali ko? I can apologize right there and then. And I surely know how to compromise. Instead of doing tgat, can we settle into terms and meet each other half way? I wanted to make this work so bad. Help me naman.

Weekend

I'm so used to spending weekend with you. There's nothing more perfect than a movie/show, beer and occasional binging out of foods that we love to share. What's the best of it all is the cuddle. Your warmth and presence and knowing that I can get to share that very moment with you. C.O.M.F.Y.

I miss how you hold me. Your thoughtful massages. Your stare. Our scent. The heat that we share. I miss everything abt you.

10th's the last

Bet you forget to write today the same as you forget that you had me worrying and flipping out of reasons and scenarios why you even not texting me. *sigh* I miss, so much. I want you to text me and update me all the time, that way the gap of doubt will tighten.... So I can learn how to trust you again. See, when I text you or call you, it's not because I'm bored - it's because it is you rang I wanted to talk to. I need you... But if these things brought pain and doubt than behind mystic and wonderful, damn... That just ain't right.