Something that I'm not

It's you who taught me not settle for anything less.
I'm sorry that you're confronted by
these sickening abominable formality residuals of my every response.
I never wanted to be that someone you can to while burning your time puffing your cigarette.
I never wanted to be your last option if your night out didn't pan out.
I don't want you to tell me all these sappy things just because a song gets through to you.
To me you're more than that. I missed being your top person-priority.

With a numbing nerves and a grinding teeth I created this.

Do you enjoy this?

Do you enjoy the intermittent heat from this flickering light bulb?
Do you enjoy the splash of a coldness despite the loving voices of care and affection?
Have you grown accustomed to every abrupt exit to escape the tension as it build up?
Tell me how'd you enjoy these lonely words that tears to escape my caving chest?

I want something of permanence.
I want to enjoy every moment we're together and not hear a scolding voice from my logical head.
I want to be able to wave goodbye without torturing myself about the where's and who you'll be with after we part ways.
I want a lasting smile in every flashes of your face without feeling an ounce of jealousy.

Sawdust memories will serve as a sand to my sleep

So hey. It's been quite sometime since I wrote something in this blog. I needed to get this off my chest.... I can't sleep thinking about our phone conversation earlier: you asked me why I'm being cold. I tried explaining myself despite that I told you "I don't know how to answer that" that maybe because I seize the moment that we're together and detach myself every time we're not.

See, it is YOU who is not committed and it is quite a pain to hear it all in a demanding-regretful voice. Is this really all we could ever be?

Earlier I'm talking to a good friend of mine who notices about our vacation picture just a few days ago, the reunion with your. cousins 'cuz after all, you told me, that I am still the girl whom you introduced to your family. I love the memories we made, specially the one that when I told you I wanna be with you. You told me a terrible reason why you're still with her and I didn't bought it. Going back to that old friend of mine, he told me he doubted that I will ever take you out of the picture. I agreed by saying somewhere along these lines: "She will never be a past for me. I might actually end up marrying her someday, I just don't know."



P.s.
Never take my silence as an ignorance nor my calmness as acceptance. It takes so much of me to keep these demons inside.