Curly cues

me staring at the mirror as I'm doing my hair


I suddenly remember that person who always admire these curly cues. Her fingers slowly caress my nape and my eyes instantly rolls back as I have frivolous amusement on that sensation.


I hate that stare I had when I snapped back into the reality. That's how memories fucks my day.


Better continue packing up my shit to Bataan. (Oh, Bataan)

If I were to describe where we are now..

Sweet nothing. False hope. Fleeting moment.

These are what we both are best of making each other. One moment you can send me in a roller coaster but we can get by the next day without talking to each other. We kept throwing cautions in the wind, we are vanishing in the thin air along with your regretful sigh.

I miss being inlove

Yes, I miss being inlove.... A lot! But I miss being in love with you. A lot of things had changed between us, individually. I cannot honestly say until when my 2nd-chance-giving well ran out. All I know is that when I hold your hand, when you stare at me, when u cup you in my embrace and when we kiss - I'm home.


Cuz it's always you. Us. I'd been down different roads and I don't regret searching on those places but I know for myself, deep down, I already found it. This tired soul is WAITING....

Something that I'm not

It's you who taught me not settle for anything less.
I'm sorry that you're confronted by
these sickening abominable formality residuals of my every response.
I never wanted to be that someone you can to while burning your time puffing your cigarette.
I never wanted to be your last option if your night out didn't pan out.
I don't want you to tell me all these sappy things just because a song gets through to you.
To me you're more than that. I missed being your top person-priority.

With a numbing nerves and a grinding teeth I created this.

Do you enjoy this?

Do you enjoy the intermittent heat from this flickering light bulb?
Do you enjoy the splash of a coldness despite the loving voices of care and affection?
Have you grown accustomed to every abrupt exit to escape the tension as it build up?
Tell me how'd you enjoy these lonely words that tears to escape my caving chest?

I want something of permanence.
I want to enjoy every moment we're together and not hear a scolding voice from my logical head.
I want to be able to wave goodbye without torturing myself about the where's and who you'll be with after we part ways.
I want a lasting smile in every flashes of your face without feeling an ounce of jealousy.

Sawdust memories will serve as a sand to my sleep

So hey. It's been quite sometime since I wrote something in this blog. I needed to get this off my chest.... I can't sleep thinking about our phone conversation earlier: you asked me why I'm being cold. I tried explaining myself despite that I told you "I don't know how to answer that" that maybe because I seize the moment that we're together and detach myself every time we're not.

See, it is YOU who is not committed and it is quite a pain to hear it all in a demanding-regretful voice. Is this really all we could ever be?

Earlier I'm talking to a good friend of mine who notices about our vacation picture just a few days ago, the reunion with your. cousins 'cuz after all, you told me, that I am still the girl whom you introduced to your family. I love the memories we made, specially the one that when I told you I wanna be with you. You told me a terrible reason why you're still with her and I didn't bought it. Going back to that old friend of mine, he told me he doubted that I will ever take you out of the picture. I agreed by saying somewhere along these lines: "She will never be a past for me. I might actually end up marrying her someday, I just don't know."



P.s.
Never take my silence as an ignorance nor my calmness as acceptance. It takes so much of me to keep these demons inside.

how dare you

How dare you drag me into your drama? How dare you to ask me and make me believe these things are real? Should sympathize? I empathize in your situation long enough! Words are Fucking trivial. It's sad to see that hope vanish in a thin air. This is as good as what it get. Pain, cold, rudeness and numb spells the both of us. There will never be Casey and Carla.




Wanna hear a bullshit thing? I still wish you'll knock in that door... Begging to turn this around. I'm so Fucking posses with that thought but the mere agreement of you coming over can't even be settle with a yes, how could that wild delusion would be? Careless delusion indeed; yet another self inflicted pain. A shackle that I have to free myself of... even if it means I have to cut myself - after all you still had a part of me.


P.s.
I just read your last entry. How dare you to cause me this tears!???!!!! I so hate you, you should be here, beside me, giving me embrace, kissing me, we can forget the past.... What's stopping you!????!!!!!!.I hate this walls that I build around myself. My heart screams as soon as I sebt you away. I wish you insist to stay. Be a masochist like the way I accept those punches and things that you throw when you're having tantrums. No one understand our crazy little world than us. Please, don't wait until it's too late. My grip are loosing... I'm still yours for the taking.